The Package Deal

I define “The Package Deal” as an understanding that a woman accepts before taking on the role of stepmom or bonus mom. At times, we believe it’s enough to just love your partner and all things will just work out. However, it’s a bit more complex than that when you consider the family dynamic before you entered the picture. In the beginning of a relationship, you are enjoying the blissful aspects of your relationship such as the romantic dates, flowers, gifts, sex, daily text messages and phone calls. You are aware he is a father but depending on the visitation schedule, you may not have that much exposure to the child(ren). As a result, you can easily make a decision with limited information. I would suggest giving yourself time to see the family dynamic firsthand before making such a commitment. Because your partner has a dual role, you can’t have one without the other which is why it’s considered a package deal. If you try to divide the two, you will lose! When I started dating my future husband, he would have his son every other weekend but made it to school events, games and anything he was involved with. Every other weekend is not enough time for anyone to bond with their child(ren) and certainly not enough time for a future stepmom to catch a glimpse of what her life could be like.

As a stepchild myself, I resented the relationship or lack thereof with my stepfather no matter how bad I may have wanted it. He would make it clear that I wasn’t his daughter so we never connected on that level. I believe his rejection shaped me into the stepmother I am today because I refused to allow someone else to feel that pain. Many years later, I found myself feeling the same way because as much as I loved my stepson as if he was my own, he still wasn’t mine. Ironically, I have my stepfather to thank for showing me all the things I wouldn’t ever do with my stepson. I had so many choices early on to reject the package deal and make excuses to avoid connecting with my stepson. As I said yes to my future husband’s proposal, I was also saying “I DO promise to love you, be loyal, faithful and protect you and I DO vow to love your son and nurture him as my own.” It’s been many years since I’ve accepted the package deal and I still stand by decision to be the best stepmom/bonus I could be.

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